So.....I hate spiders

The Houdini of the arachnid world, spiders just seem to be able to appear and disappear as if by magic. Many times I have left a room to get a shoe, newspaper, flame thrower….and when I come back, it’s gone. Just like that. Vanished. And of course no matter how hard I look, I can’t find it anywhere, so to continue living in my home is no longer an option. As much as I hate them though, I don’t believe the feeling is mutual. They seem to love me. They follow me everywhere. I even have had them fall into my lap. It’s occurred more than once! One particular time I was sitting in a chair in my living room reading a book when a spider fell right on the page I was reading. I have no idea where it came from as I always do a quick “spider sweep” when I enter a room. But there it was. Falling out of nowhere to land right in front of me. Needless to say, if I could throw like that all the time, I could have made a career as a softball pitcher.

The worst part of seeing a spider in your home is that when you notice it, no can of Raid is in sight. And of course no amount of pointing it out to my cats and yelling, "Well? Are you going to kill it?!?" gets them up and motivated enough to rid the home of this leggy intruder. I usually have to go to the next best thing. Whatever bottle full of chemicals or object is within arm’s reach. I’ve killed spiders with hairspray, oven cleaner, tennis rackets, coffee cups, Windex, laundry starch, you name it. Normally if I am able to get my hands on a chemical, I spray the bottle of death behind me while I run away (I'm usually screaming as well) so I can’t always say I actually hit it until I force myself to go back and examine the crime scene. I then creep real slowly back into the room with my weapon of choice (I usually upgrade to something more solid) and a flashlight, eyes darting everywhere looking for the spider body. I'd think about how nice it was when our kids still lived at home because I’d just have them do it. I figured bravery would be a good trait for them to learn. But they are adults now and don’t like it when I call asking them to come over just for that reason. If I am lucky enough to be able to send someone else in, a spider hitman if you will, I always demanded proof that it is, in fact, deceased. As unsettling as it is, I need to see the body. For the sake of myself and everyone else who lives in the home, it’s a necessity. Sometimes, when I’m absolutely certain that the spider will not suddenly spring to life, I will leave its body where it is for a little while as a warning to others.

What I find the most baffling when it comes to spiders though, is that there are people who actually like them. Seriously. They find them cute and keep them as pets. I know a couple of them. I’m pretty sure they are deranged. I refuse to go in their house. Ever. If I have to stop by their home for any reason, I will honk and talk to them from the safety of my car while it’s still running so I can make a quick getaway if need be. I know for a fact that they will let the creature out of its cage and allow it to walk freely around their home. Of course they try to say that they don’t do this when they have company. But I don’t trust them. They’ve aligned themselves with the spider community. I won’t take that chance.